I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
