Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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