i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
