My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
