I wish you could order shots online.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
