Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I would fuck him just for his dog
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