Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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