Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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