I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I need a burrito and a hug.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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