Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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