I just saw a hot homeless man
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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