After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
