Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Vodka?
Forever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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