so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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