She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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