On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
