worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
