i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
