I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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