there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
