Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
