Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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