i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize