You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
