I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
