By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
