So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
