she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize