trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
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