Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
