Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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