Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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