The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize