This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
