Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
