I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
