i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
