no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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