dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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