She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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