So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize