I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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