You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
