Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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