the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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