so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
