Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
