i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
