Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
