i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You have to summon your inner elephant
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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