anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
