Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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