I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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