bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
