Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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