I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
